Day 2.59: In Which I Fall Asleep

I fell asleep at an almost obscenely early hour, watching an episode of Dexter. (Did you know, Showtime has all eight seasons on Demand right now? I’m not sure that falling asleep is a good sign, though!)

Anyway. I missed last night’s post. I think that’s just two in 159 days, though, so it’s all good. I’ll post again tonight for today. Hope that makes sense!

I swam yesterday. 1450 meters again. That means when I swim tomorrow, I’ll be at 1500 meters, or halfway to my 3000 meter goal! I’m really glad that I’ve started doing kicking drills almost every time I swim. It’s increasing the over-all length of my swim, because I can only kick about half as fast as I swim, but it’s making my actual swimming faster. I didn’t realize how much I was only using my upper body before. 

I had most of the afternoon to myself, and I was so productive. I wrote 2000 words and did some editing. 

Over all, another really good day.

2 months ago  #health at every size #haes #eat the food #etf #writing  3 notes

Day 2.56: Good Ideas and the Blahs

Still just kind of blah. Not sure why.

Going to bed early.

Tomorrow is swimming day. That always makes me happy. Also, I’m eating a decent lunch tomorrow, no matter what. I think that’s what’s put me in a funk. 

I finished editing a prequel short story to Viral Nation today. I forgot how much I love that story. I’m really excited for you guys to get to read it. I think it’s going to be free on Wattpad before it goes on Amazon. I’ll keep you posted!

I’ve also had this kind of cool Robin Hood retelling brewing forEVER, and it suddenly coalesced today into an idea that I can actually write. It gave me goosebumps, so that’s good.

I’m often jealous of writers who have shiny new ideas constantly vying for attention. I’m not one of them. I get my ideas one, or maybe one and a half, at a time. Every time a new one pops up and proves that I’m not currently working on my very last ever good idea, I’m grateful beyond words.

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Click here to read the 100 Day Experiment Newsletter #9. If you like it, click subscribe in the upper left corner. You’ll get #10 in your email on Tuesday, and a free Anti-Diet eBook right away.

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Today’s question: How do you manage blah days?

2 months ago  #health at every size #haes #eat the food #etf #blah #writing #good ideas  4 notes

Day 2.34: Feeling Good

I just squated 70 pounds, five sets of five. 

That’s the bar with a 10 pound and a 2.5 pound weight on each end.

In January, I could barely manage body weight squats and I couldn’t even lift the empty bar off the rack.

I love—seriously love—how strong I feel. I love that lifting weights and swimming both make me feel like I have some control over my body, and that I can keep building strength and stamina and endurance regardless if I ever lose more weight.

Eating above my BMR is normalizing my relationship with food in a way that so exciting. I don’t panic about it or obsess over it anymore, I don’t worry about it. I eat what I’m hungry for, when I’m hungry, and — this part is like magic — I stop when I’m full. I’m not 100 percent an intuitive eater yet, but I feel confident that I’m moving closer everyday.

The next week or so is going to be insane with end of the semester stuff—and then summer. I’m really excited to have two conferences planned. I’m going to Las Vegas for the American Library Association conference, where I’ll get to sign my book at the Penguin booth. (And see the Printz awards be awarded!) In August, I’m heading to Los Angeles for the SCBWI conference. With my best friend! 

Last summer’s conferences (I went to RWA in Atlanta and BEA in New York City) really wiped me out. I think that travel, on top of stressing about my deadline, led to me feeling so awful in December. I’m excited to see how different things are this summer.

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Click here to read the 100 Day Experiment Newsletter #5. If you like it, click subscribe in the upper left corner. You’ll get #6 in your email on Tuesday, and a free Anti-Diet Primer right away.

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Today’s question: Do you have an exciting plans for summer?

3 months ago  #health at every size #haes #eat the food #etf #100 day experiment #anti-diet #summer #writing #ALA #SCBWI  4 notes

Day Seventy-six: Deadline Saturday

I don’t know exactly what it is about working on edits on a deadline (Monday, you guys. Monday!) but they make me huuungry. Hungry for comfort food. And chocolate. 

My theory is that glucose is the brain’s only fuel. And I’m working so hard I have steam coming out of my ears, so … need lots of carbs? I don’t know. Maybe not. I just know that I did not swim today, I didn’t expect to, and I ate two chocolate cupcakes.

This is the first time I’ve had a major work deadline since starting my 100 days. The last deadline I had was when the first draft of Rebel Nation was due in early December. That deadline nearly killed me. Not because I didn’t have enough time—just the stress. Oh, my gosh, the stress. And stress on top of not feeling good and having no energy? Yuck.

So, I’m typing my fingers off. I’m getting excited about having people read Rebel Nation this summer. I’m falling in love all over again with the world and the characters in my story. And I feel good enough to enjoy it all. 

That’s what I’m talking about.

I won’t make it to the gym on Sunday either, and probably not Monday either. I’ve planned for those days off, so no biggie. I may or may not have to take Monday off of school. I hope not. We’ll have to see how much work I can get done by the end of tomorrow.

Today is day seventy-six and energy is my friend.

5 months ago  #health at every size #haes #EAT THE FOOD #ETF #deadline #Rebel Nation #viral nation #writing  5 notes

Essay for Non-fiction Class

When I was fifteen, I was on a swim team and my high school track team. I played soccer and basketball and lifted weights and rode my bicycle everywhere.

I was an athlete. 

My body fat was low enough to hold off puberty.
I was already tall, with long legs and narrow hips and broad shoulders.

I was constantly compared to my sister who looked like Blue Lagoon-era Brooke Shields and my other sister who was a perfect blonde ballerina and my chubby mother.

I was always hungry and never food secure, because someone was always watching what I ate.

"You’re not fat yet, Shaunta, but if you’re not careful …"

"Are you sure you need a sandwich?"

"Haven’t you already had enough?"

I truly believed I was a fat, disgusting, ugly, monster that no one would ever love. The weight of that sometimes felt like it might crush me to death. I never, ever wasn’t trying to take up less space.

It took me a long time to stop looking at pictures of my fifteen-year-old self and thinking: “Wow, I was so pretty and so thin.”

As if that confirmed that I deserved better.

As if there is some weight where hating yourself is okay.

As if it’s okay for fat kids to feel the way I did.

I wish someone had taken my face in their hands in 1986 and looked me in the eye and said, “sweetheart, you are good enough.”

Sometimes when I lay down at night and close my eyes, I bring up an image of fifteen-year-old me and that’s exactly what I do.

6 months ago  #writing #writing as therapy #Body Love #body acceptance #body dysmorphia #body talk #Self Acceptance #self love  7 notes